Happy Mother’s Day to me, and to you other Mamas out there.

My life’s dream…

…is to one day live far enough away from our family so that my mother-in-law can’t “drop by” in order to use our bathroom, like my house is a goddamn rest stop.

We’re having a…

…girl!

(No, I’m not posting pics of my baby’s junk on the internet.)

We are naming her Kate. It’s for many reasons, but mostly for this.

 

Well, hello there.

Oh, RIGHT. I have a BLOG.

Well, I’ve had a good excuse for my absence:

That’s right, chickens. Four years and much drama and aggro later, I am finally up the stick.

“What’s the secret?”, you ask. “What finally did the trick?”

Well, being paralyzed into inaction, then getting busy with work and life and not even keeping track of Cycles and Phases and Special Times, and go about your business for a few weeks, then feeling like, Hm, Something Is Up, then pee on three home tests that all come out negative, assume something horrible is going on, then go to the doctor and be like, SOMETHING IS UP, and then pee on their test there, and then while you are sitting in a paper gown awaiting stirrup time, have the nurse poke her head in to the exam room and say, “You’re gonna need to put your clothes back on…”, (then die inside because OH GOD WHAT NOW),”…because you’re pregnant.” And then you will ACTUALLY ALMOST DIE WHILE WEARING THE PAPER GOWN, and you will cry and start to hyperventilate, and the nurse will have to come over and hold you to keep from falling and hurting yourself, and you ask her over and over again, “ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS MY PEE? ARE YOU SURE?”, and then you almost die again when during the examination, the doc is all, “Yep, you feel about six weeks along!”, and you actually say “OH SHIT.” out loud in front of the nurse and your doctor. Then drive home in a happy, teary fog so you can tell your husband in the hour you have to see each other before he leaves for his night class to take a test which he now CANNOT FOCUS ON AT ALL.

See, it’s all so simple! And non-dramatic! Just like the journey to get here!

It has been a nauseous, exhausting, and exhilarating few weeks, and I am still having a hard time believing it, but the THUMPaTHUMPaTHUMPa heartbeat and seeing ACTUAL FINGERS, THE MOST GORGEOUS FINGERS I HAVE EVER SEEN on the ultrasound assure me that This Is Happening.

I am terrified, and thrilled, and like, STUPID happy.

 

I don’t want to talk about where I was ten years ago today, or how I spent this day, just my fervent prayer for the future:
1. That there will soon be a day that this kind of violence and terror may cease.
2. Should the day come that I am witness to, or God forbid, involved in such a thing, that I could be strong and brave, and a help to others – that I could do some small bit of good. That amidst horror and uncertainty, we can all become the best versions of ourselves, and take care of each other.

Truer words, blah blah blah

That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

Instead of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark:
Watch the miniseries The Kennedys. Seeing one movie starring Katie Holmes is like seeing every movie starring Katie Holmes, because Katie Holmes is only capable of portraying Katie Holmes attempting to be a character I like to call Someone Else. Someone Else can be anyone, really, from a woman dealing with the monsters that are terrorizing her family in a haunted house to a woman dealing with being Jackie Kennedy. To Ms. Holmes, every character is herself as Someone Else and Someone Else usually does that thing with her mouth.

Wait, aren’t you reading The Hairpin? No? What is wrong with you? Because you should be, just for their Scandals of Classic Hollywood series alone. And also Ask A Clean Person. Good stuff, all of it. Just add it to your Reader. Trust.

OMG!

Look what my mom bought me!

 

 

I’m gonna cook so much in this!

 

 

Like…half an apple! Or a casserole for…an American Girl doll…?

P.S. In case you will soon be throwing a dinner party for leprechauns and are interested in purchasing your own set of miniature bakeware, a piece like this one may be found at your local Cracker Barrel, purveyor of chic home furnishings and kitchenware, and fine dining.

P.P.S. I’m not hating on CB – I could eat the shit out of one their Country Breakfasts right now.

P.P.S. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

In Which Our Heroine Pokes Her Head Out From Under Her Rock For More Than Thirty Seconds

It has been a rough few weeks.

Shortly after I posted about my cats running away, and having to decide what to do in terms of proceeding with infertility treatment (Spend A Ton Of Money or Embrace Being Crazy Cat People?), I found out that my 21 year-old, barely-high-school-educated, below-the-poverty-line-living, Long-History-Of-Familial-Manipulation-And-Poor-Life-Choices sister is pregnant (a “one in a million chance”, due to a medical condition – so this is TRULY A MIRACLE. Blech.) I dealt with this unfortunate situation first by shoving it into the I Won’t Think About This Today, I’ll Think About This Tomorrow Or Maybe Never Until I Have Bleeding Ulcers section of my brain (which lasted, like, two days), and then by getting drunk on whiskey and ginger ales, and ranted and raved and cried and then dryheaved until at least a good portion my misery was forcibly excised from my person and psyche. Because, you know, that’s a totally healthy and appropriate way to deal with such things.

My parents, who have a habit of burying their heads in the sand when it comes to the (repeated) shenanigans my sister has pulled and how they have enabled her to do so, apparently have a very difficult time understanding why this development is so hard for me to accept and just be happy about. Even though they know, to an extent, the fertility difficulties I’ve had. So I’ve decided to distance myself from the dysfunction, because I just don’t have it in me to be The Good Daughter anymore – it’s a role I’ve played for too long, because it made everyone else comfortable, but gave me the runs and panic attacks. I am D O N E. So it’s kind of nice and freeing, to know that I am now the child that is the Asshole and accused of Tearing The Family Apart, and not really giving a shit. Is this what it’s like to be the black sheep? Hm. Because I’m sleeping pretty well at night.

In the midst of all of this fine holiday fun, I was informed that my job was in jeopardy due to unexpected budget cuts. After two weeks of waiting and speculation and daydreams of just saying Fuck It and moving off the grid to a hippie commune where I’d raise goats and grow my hair out, I found out that my position was safe (which, whew!), but now I have two months of sharing a cubicle with an angry, soon-to-be-jobless colleague, which makes the air at work kind of, um, toxic. And I know that makes me sound like a Dbag – “Your totally shitty situation makes me uncomfortable!” – but negative energy flying around your head for 8+ hours a day can really take a lot out of you. (But hey, now I know that we can afford to spend A Car Payment and A House Payment’s worth of cash each month so I can jam some needles full of Wake The Fuck Up, Ladybits hormones into my own person! YAY.)

Wedged into the middle of all of this was a somewhat hastily planned, quick weekend trip The Hell Out Of Town (which helped me keep my head out of the oven), and I found myself finally coming face to face with my longtime bloggy friend and future virtual doula Zakary, after three years of Not At All Bizarre In Theory internet friendship. A blurb in the middle of this sad little pity party of a post does not do justice to how much chill, low-key winedrinking  beerdrinking fun I had with Zak and her awesome family (that I wanted to adopt or shove into my suitcase and bring home with me), but suffice it to say that it was all amazing and did my head immeasurable amounts of good. Also, her family are very good sports about letting a strange lady come into their house. (AND, Z’s hair is really long and super pretty in person.) (PLUS we saw Napoleon, which was FUCKING AWESOME, and I took it as a sign that good things are coming. Like, Noah:Rainbow::Me:Black Squirrel. Or something.) But then I had to come back to Houston, where it’s hot as balls and there are no Napoleons OR Napoleannes, and Real Life was ready and waiting to smack me across the face.

The cherry on top of this clusterfuck sundae of emotions is the end of the Space Shuttle Program, with the safe landing of STS-135 Thursday morning. I woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the landing, and shed a few tears, but I know it really hasn’t hit me yet, that it’s Over. A lot of deep thoughts and pretty words have been said about the end of the shuttle program, but I can’t add to them because I’ve already used the word “fuck” enough on this blog for you to know that chaste eloquence is not my bag. But y’all. I was a (very small) part of history, and I’m proud of that, and now it’s over, and I’m kinda bummed. So there.

There is no real point to this post, other than to purge a bit, and to give somewhat of an explanation as to why I’ve been laying even lower than usual. No news isn’t necessarily good news, my chickens. But here’s to things looking up (FOR THE LOVE OF BACON, PLEASE START LOOKING UP), right? **furiously knocks wood**

Gin
[14:23] Sooo, like…yeah.
[14:23] I mean, right?

Beret-wearing French Surrender-Monkey
[14:23] Totally 

Gin
[14:23] Seriously. 

Beret-wearing French Surrender-Monkey
[14:23] I mean, sure, but, come on. 

Gin
[14:24] I KNOW. Exactly. 

Beret-wearing French Surrender-Monkey
[14:24] On the other hand… well, not really. 

Gin
[14:24] I mean, I guess. Because, HELLOOOOO. 

Beret-wearing French Surrender-Monkey
[14:24] BUT, after all, your mom. 

Gin
[14:25] Well played, sir.

P.S. It has not been a great few weeks. I’ve been laying kind of low. I’m hoping that there is some kind of positive change in the near future – I’ll take anything at this point – that will lead me to want to post more than pitiful rants. I will be adventuring to Colorado this weekend, and am counting on indulging in lots of wine and Asians. With my luck, I will get eaten by a bear, but if by chance I do NOT get turned into scat, I hope to have something funner to say next week.

I am tired.

I am getting over a cold and we had houseguests this weekend and I had to deal with my in-laws again after a brief, blessed respite and I haven’t been getting very good sleep and so last night I lie in bed awake as rednecks down the street continued to pop off firecrackers until well after midnight and the clock ticked closer and closer to my 4:30 a.m. wake up call for a 6 o’clock teleconference this morning and I thought about how you can replace lyrics from Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” with those from “There Are Worse Things I Could Do” from Grease and it totally works (mostly) (sort of), and then it turned into a mashup of those two songs plus “Bulletproof” over and over in my head and somebody really needs to make that shit happen.